Welcome back to a completely new and redesigned landing site, and the cornerstone of Polydeux.
I've hid away from the blog for a couple of months now and there's a couple reasons why:
(Prepare yourself for a long post. TL;DR: I stepped away and now I'm back. Das it.)
I was laid off at the end of March from my first every big girl job. It was a huge heartbreak and I definitely had a period of mourning and relief thereafter. For one, being launched into a corporate job straight out of college was remarkable, especially one with a big name. I thought I'd be another struggling post-grad trying to break through the sea of other struggling post-grads praying for one less rejection e-mail. I wasn't.
I had been wanting to quit that job for a while but had been wondering when the right time would be for that. Eventually, the rush of non-stop outings and enjoying the full-time blogger life came to a halt and the feelings of anxiety and doubt of my self-worth as a working member of society began to seep through.
During my last month, I had meltdowns on meltdowns. I wasn't hearing back from jobs I had applied to, my relationship with my boss (whom I admired and respected greatly) started to deteriorate, my uncle in the Philippines suddenly passed away, my rent was due and I couldn't buy out of my lease since my dad co-signed and his credit would've taken a hit.
My requests for OT weren't getting granted, and the money I had saved to keep me afloat during the time I'd be seeking another job went to the removal of my uncle's body from the hospital. It felt like so many things were being taken away from me and all I wanted to do was kick, scream and destroy everything in sight. I projected so much of this internal hate, frustration, and feelings of defeat on anyone who would come in contact with me.
My parents weren't completely upset at the position I was left in but I bore so much guilt knowing that they'd have to carry my financial burdens. I've always wanted to get to a position where my I was stable enough to finally take care of my parents and I had pride myself in doing so when I was working. With that gone, that pride diminished. However, my parents were very understanding and incredulously supportive, which for traditional Asian parents, I wasn't expecting. Their acceptance and comfort is what kicked off my journey of healing.
I spent many days sleeping in or doing the opposite, and doing as many things possible to keep me distracted from the ongoing turmoil inside me. Psychologically, I started to revisit some childhood and even adult traumas I never addressed as I've learned that I tend to suppress everything. This lasted for weeks.
I used this time to learn as much as I could not only about myself but anything and everything around me. I was meditating frequently and continuously visited House of Intuition for new stones to bear. I was clearly lost and kept grabbing onto anything that would provide some kind of solace, even religiously following my horoscopes. I would even log my behavior to analyze any cognitive decisions that would trigger certain reactions. I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to look into themselves. I'm typically a very emotional person who reacts impulsively due to that but in looking inwards and meditating, it helped ground myself and learn to detach myself from situations before reacting. This was always an issue I never really learned to confront until this.
This jumpstarted my relationship with my faith and God, which in truth, has wavered since coming out of high school.
I was hungry to gain new skills and so I started to re-learn graphic designing. This then lead to my part-time freelance job with my friend's agency. At this point, I had gone through multiple copytests for several copywriting jobs and none of which were satisfactory. It hurt my self-esteem even more.
I constantly wanted to learn something new and looked everywhere to ingest new information whether it was through podcasts, documentaries or speaking to different mentors. I was on this high of wanting to cultivate my mind. I knew that if I wanted to surpass anyone competitively in the job market, I had to make myself valuable. I redid all of my resume, media kits, websites, and portfolios. I just couldn't ignore this intense desire for improvement within me.
I had been burnt out of writing and lacked any creativity. So I read every day. I read my friend Nicole's book "Bottleneck Dreams". I read articles, old poems sitting in my Tumblr drafts, anything that wasn't an Instagram caption and had substance. I needed writings that were short, digestable and would eventually get my gears going. I attempted at writing in different voices for different clients, even writing for a menu, something I've never done before.
The negativity from my job could even be seen in the way I presented myself. I gained weight, had terrible posture, eating and sleeping habits, and knew that something had to change. I kicked off another round of #whole30 and started working my way up to a daily workout routine. All in baby steps: I would slowly cut certain foods from my diet until June started for me to cut everything cold turkey and I would workout once a week, then thrice a week and now every day.
I even went to get my eyebrows microbladed and eyelash extensions - anything that would make me feel brand new again.
I took multiple days off to be with myself and meditate. Now that I've started to love myself in a way I hadn't before by reaching small goals I had set for myself, I started to see the way the world reacted. More opportunities began to come my way and I allowed myself to become open to people and experiences I had initially shut off.
This was truly a rebuilding era for me. All of which lead up to the success of an amazing fitness event I had with Basecamp Fitness, which was a milestone that proved my capabilities and the depth of the network and experience I've attained through the years. In other words, I started to believe in myself, mostly because others believed in me.
Albeit still lost and still wandering like all 20-somethings, I've found myself a little more and wanted the relaunch of my site and brand to showcase that. I went through what felt like a long period of internal conflict that felt like a flux of never ending punishment but gained so much wisdom and friendships because of it. I believe it all happened for a reason. Many of my issues have yet to reach a resolution but I feel more at peace than I have ever felt. I'm sorry it took me so long to say any of this but I'm finally at a place where I can do so and hope that at one point in this post, you've found solace as well.